A Nation Divided

A few weeks ago, my son, Andrew, and I rushed to the movie theater to to see the highly acclaimed Lee Daniels' The Butler.  Andrew enjoyed the flick and I was, quite frankly, historically enlightened and impressed. The movie really taught a great deal about 8 different presidential administrations.

That being said, as is usually the case, history opens itself up for more than one interpretation and many more emotions...

Word has it that Ronald Reagan's son, Michael, was a dissatisfied viewer, having taken offense at what he believed was his father being portrayed as a cold-hearted, uncaring president.

I've got to tell you. I'm not really sure how Mr. Reagan drew that conclusion, but I beg to differ...

In the film, Ronald Reagan is seen as a thoughtful, caring man who wasn't afraid to note his own shortcomings or admit he'd erred.  He was close to his head butler, Cecil Gaines, and Reagan wasn't afraid to confide in him or ask his advice. President Reagan also advocated equal-pay distribution to his White House Staff and wasn't afraid to pull rank on anyone who challenged that belief.

During the latter part of his tenure as a White-House servant, Cecil Gaines asked his long-standing, narrow-minded immediate supervisor for a pay increase which would, in fact, only put him at an equal wage to his co-workers.  It was no surprise, when the supervisor not only denied Gaines, but told him to find another job elsewhere.

As most of us sat with our mouths agape, I am sure viewers applauded, when Gaines responded, "The President said for you to take it up with him when I told him you'd say that!"

And, I am sure we applauded even louder when we saw Gaines, still employed at the White House, in the very next scene.

It makes me think.

Several years ago, after Senator Edward Kennedy's death, Nancy Reagan expressed her deep sorrow to see her husband's dear friend pass away. Mrs. Reagan said when both men were alive and healthy, Senator Kennedy and President Reagan were good friends, with Kennedy and his wife having taken frequent trips to the Reagans' ranch in California where both couples enjoyed each others' company.

Of the fact that Edward Kennedy was a self-proclaimed liberal and Ronald Reagan a self-proclaimed conservative? "Teddy didn't care, and Ronnie didn't care," Mrs. Reagan tells us.

The fact that they were engaged in continual political wars against each other? Didn't matter, according to Mrs. Reagan.

People were kinder then. People didn't make politics personal. People respected each other, if not each others' politics.

But, gone are the days of Ronald Reagan and Edward Kennedy.


Likewise, I am always amazed when anyone speaks negatively about President Jimmy Carter. I mean, really?

A brilliant physicist who teaches science at the highly rated Emory University. A man who is so fundamentally good that he won the Nobel Peace Award. A self-described Christian who gets out there and builds homes with his own hands for the the Habitat for Humanity.

If that man isn't good enough, then I don't know who is.

But, gone are the days of that kind, southern president named James Earl Carter.



Gone, even, are the days when former presidents, on the opposite sides of the political spectrum can forge a friendship and enjoy each others' company as did Presidents Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush.

Today, as I am sure most of  us are aware, politics are just nasty. And, they are no longer for the People. Or by the People. Or even moderately relative to the People.

I mean really. Politics are as divided and nasty as I am sure any of us have seen them.  And, if nobody wants to see anyone else's perspective, how can we raise our next generation to do so? How do our leaders expect to merit respect when they cannot even respect each other anymore?




In 2008, my oldest son really tuned in, for the first time, to a presidential election. He would tell anyone who asked that he much respected both candidates, John McCain and Barack Obama. (And he still does.)  McCain for his many years of service to our nation and the honorable way he always speaks his mind (even if it makes him unpopular among his constituents),  and Obama for the way he started with nothing and became something. The way he studied his way from the poor house to the White House.

Do you remember, during the 2008 election, that Alfred E. Smith dinner that both candidates were required to attend? Remember the jokes they told, not only about each other, but about themselves? Remember how they enjoyed each other, and even seemed to understand a little about the other?

That is because, in that evening, heated politicians were showing respect.

But, sadly, gone is even the evening of the 2008 Alfred E. Smith dinner.


Our government is in shambles and our nation is falling apart. Nobody wants to compromise. Nobody thinks the other side might have an idea worth incorporating. And, nobody respects anybody anymore.

I have a strong party affiliation, but I won't mention it here. Quite frankly, it isn't relevant. What's relevant is that we get this nation back on track.


I want my children to respect their leaders, so when will they start respecting each other again?

In re: Baby M

Does anyone remember this case?

It was current quite a while ago (the late 1980's, to be exact). You

wouldn't think it was terribly relevant today. Yet, it seems to come up

over and over again in my legal classes.

The issue is commercial surrogacy and the question, I guess, is

whether it is moral. From a legal standpoint, it depends on the state.

After the Baby M case was litigated and subsequently appealed, 10 states formally outlawed the practice.

So what happened to cause all this stir?

Well, it started when Mary Beth Whitehead answered an Asbury Park Press ad

requesting "surrogate mothers." At the time, Mary Beth was a wife,

homemaker, and mother of two pre-adolescent children. Since she and her

husband had no intention of having more kids, it seemed like a generous

plan to help an otherwise infertile couple.

The infertility center, itself, was obviously out to make a profit.

The plan was to "match" fertile women with infertile couples while the

center collected a $10,000 fee. As it happened, Mary Beth "passed"

their initial screening, although the center's own psychologist noted

that she may have trouble parting with any baby that resulted from such

an arrangement.

Shortly thereafter, Mary Beth was matched with William and Elizabeth

Stern. Upon their initial meeting, both couples felt they had been

perfectly placed. From the Whiteheads standpoint, the Sterns were a

professional couple (he was a biochemist and she a pediatrician) who

would make excellent parents. At that point, Mary Beth was excited to

help alleviate the emptiness borne of their infertility.

From the Sterns initial perspective, Mary Beth was just great. She was young, energetic, and she'd already had two healthy children. She seemed like the perfect candidate to have a baby for them.

Two weeks later, the procedures began. William Stern and Mary Beth

Whitehead began meeting at the infertility center where she was

artificially inseminated. After 8 inseminations, and several months,

Mary Beth became pregnant.

I am sure you already realize the problem.

Mary Beth bonded with, and became attached to the unborn infant. As her pregnancy progressed, she became increasingly uneasy about the idea of giving her flesh and blood away.

From the Sterns perspective, it was William's biological child as

well. And, they had planned and dreamed for so long. They wanted the

baby very much, and Mary Beth had already signed a contract agreeing to

the arrangement.

So what happened?

A baby girl was born, and Mary Beth fell in love with her. The

Whiteheads named her "Sara Elizabeth Whitehead." The Sterns named her

"Melissa Elizabeth Stern."

Since Mary Beth felt a deep sense of obligation to the Sterns, she

initially parted with Sara/Melissa. However, after only one night of

tears and anguish, Mary Beth went to the Stern's home to beg for her

baby back. Noting Mary Beth's hysteria and depression at being parted

from the baby, the Sterns agreed to give the child back for one week.

However, they were still relying on the original contract which stated

that they would become the sole legal parents of Sara/Melissa.

Of course, it didn't work out that way. Mary Beth's attachment to

the infant just strengthened after spending time with her. So, at the

end of the week, Mary Beth informed the Sterns that she planned to keep

the baby.

That's when things got ugly. The Sterns, who were fairly affluent,

hired the best lawyers in New Jersey to represent them. In fact, after

their initial meeting with the judge, they were able to obtain an

immediate court order that placed Sara/Melissa in their custody.

This sort of order, which immediately changes custody of a child, is

extremely rare. Almost always, the parent who has possession of the child is

given a chance to be heard from the Court before such a decision is

made. However, in this case, the police just showed up at Mary Beth's

door demanding that she relinquish her infant.

Scared and defenseless, the Whiteheads did the unthinkable. While

the police and the Sterns were in the front of the house, Mr. Whitehead carried the baby out a back window and ran away. At that point, the

police handcuffed Mary Beth and pushed her into their car. However,

with no real grounds to arrest her, they left her property about 2

hours later.

Later that evening, Mary Beth disguised herself and met her husband at a relative's house. From there, the family flew to Florida where they found temporary refuge with Mary Beth's parents. In the weeks that followed, they traveled around Florida, staying at various motels and relatives' homes.

Nearly a month and a half later, Mary Beth developed a toxic kidney infection, during which she was hospitalized. With no other means to care for their three (3) children, Mr. Whitehead took them back to the grandparents in Holiday, Florida. It was there that private investigators charged into the home, found Sara/Melissa, and returned her to the Sterns.

At this point, Mary Beth was able to get some media attention. Under the advice of her first attorney, she publicized the case so she could find advocates. Shortly after being discharged from the hospital, and in questionable health, Mary Beth returned with her family to New Jersey.

Those of you who have studied the case know the trial that ensued was brutal. The Whiteheads faced a great deal of contempt for their lack of education and money. As a garbage man, Rick earned about $30,000 annually. The Sterns, combined, earned a six-figure income.

Mary Beth was granted temporary supervised visitation with her daughter - two hours per week. She was criticized for everything from dying her hair to bringing her daughter stuffed pandas instead of "pots and pans" on her first birthday. (Huh?!)

Considering the unfair slant and not surprisingly, at the end of the initial trial, Mary Beth was stripped of all her parental rights. Harvey Sorkow, the presiding judge at the time, was downright brutal, referring to her in his ruling as "narcissistic, immature, and without empathy." The Sterns were jubilant.

Fortunately, during the middle of the trial, Mary Beth had retained an incredibly skilled family law attorney. His name is Harold Cassidy, and he is still practicing today. After the ruling, Cassidy appealed immediately to the New Jersey Supreme Court. And, after several months, Mary Beth's maternal rights were restored.

Since Baby M was nearly two-years-old at the time of this ruling, and since she had lived with the Sterns for the majority of her life, Mr. Stern was granted sole custody. However, Mary Beth was granted visitation rights every other weekend and on alternate holidays.

Most states follow the "best interests of the child" regime - although the term is very subjective. The Sterns were a stable couple who could provide Melissa with a predictable, secure home. The Whiteheads, on the other hand, had experienced a variety of problems throughout the years including marital separation, poverty, and Mr. Whitehead's alcoholism.

Was the ruling fair? A lot of people think so. But, I don't.

Was Mary Beth perfect? No, but who is?

Were the Sterns good people? Sure. 

Were they wealthier, more secure, more stable? Absolutely. 

Were they better parents? I'm not sure...

Mary Beth had successfully raised other children, even while facing abundant life challenges. Mary Beth was a survivor. And, as a mother, I believe she had every right to change her mind about the surrogacy contract. In most states, birth mothers are allotted at least 6 weeks to change their minds before an adoption may proceed. Why not a "surrogate" birth mother? My goodness, this woman blew her life to bits to win a little bit of visitation with her daughter! She was judged, condemned, and accumulated legal fees that she is still probably paying off. If that isn't a dedicated mother, then I don't know what is.

Please understand, I am in no way disputing that adoption can be a wonderful thing. Nor am I in any way disputing Bill Stern's rights to Melissa--which were just as valid as Mary Beth's rights.

But, when we analyze the "best interests of the child" rule, what standard are we using? If we automatically decided that because one couple is more stable, more financially set, more acceptable than the other couple--are we really using the right variables to ultimately determine a child's life?

Yes, Mary Beth signed the contract without thinking ahead. But, let's face it. Bill Stern didn't carry the baby. Didn't live through the pregnancy. And, most assuredly, did not face an unending stream of hormones when the baby was born.

I think back to my own pregnancies. If someone had whisked one of my babies away would I, like Mary Beth, have become "narcissitic and immature"?

Would other mothers do the same?

And, ultimately, what standard should we use to decide what is right or wrong?

Our Next Generation

Update:  Zachary earned his third stripe this past Tuesday.  :)

The Japanese term for teacher is "Sensei."

In its rawest form, the word means one of an older generation.

It is a term I hear over and over during my youngest child's karate classes.

"Yes, Sensei."

"No, Sensei."

"Sensei, I need to tie the belt on my gii."

 But, the title means so much more. At least this in this particular class...


Earlier this summer, I searched diligently for an extracurricular that would be suitable for my son, Zachary. He's an interesting kid because he's over-the-top intelligent and a true academic scholar. I don't say this simply because I'm biased (which, admittedly, I am--LOL).

Truly, it was obvious, nearly from the beginning, that this kid was going to be smart! At 18 months, he was reciting the alphabet (forwards and backwards), at the age of 2 he had mastered basic phonics, and by 3 he was an emergent reader. Also, he's been adding and subtracting since I can remember.  "Very smart" and "intelligent" are terms that have been used by all of his teachers to describe him.

And, that's not all. Zachary, at age 7, is truly one of the most empathic people I have ever known. That saying "he'd give you the shirt of his back" applies to him literally and figuratively. My son truly cares about others' feelings. He's one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.


"I wonder what he will be like when he's 16?" his first-grade teacher once asked me.

"Me too!" I chimed in.

"He's so kind. I hope he never changes," she added.


But, Zachary, just like the rest of us, has his shortcomings. For reasons unbeknownst to us, he is delayed in both his fine and gross motor skills. For instance, it takes him about 3 times what it does others to put on his socks, button his shirts, and snap. The manual dexterity just isn't there yet.

And, as far as the gross motor stuff, he's a pretty slow runner and not very coordinated. He played soccer for a couple of years but I could see that, as he got older and the games became more competitive, we needed to move on to a new extracurricular.

We tried swimming (which went well--we intend to resume that in a few weeks), gymnastics (okay, but seemed to highlight his lack of coordination), and karate (I'll get to that now).

A friend recommended a local martial arts studio, and I gave the owner a call.

"We're looking for an extracurricular activity for my 7-year-old son."

"Great," the owner responded enthusiastically.

"He's not very coordinated," I warned.

"Neither was I at that age. And, now I'm a black belt. Why don't you bring him tonight for a trial class?"


And so we did just that. The first class was fun but, by the second class, I could see the kid just wasn't as coordinated as most of the others.

But, here's the thing. The owner of the school, "Sensei," is fantastic. I mean this man cares about children! He treats them with patience and respect. At each class, in addition to teaching karate moves, he emphasizes the traits of a black belt: integrity, respect, responsibility, self-discipline, confidence....

So, even if my son wasn't a superstar athlete, I wasn't ready to give up on his karate career. This teacher, Sensei, was exactly the kind of role model I wanted for my child.

A week later, my husband and I met with Sensei. We told him we recognized Zachary's lack of dexterity.

"I haven't seen anything to indicate to me that he can't improve," he assured us.

"If I had played a competitive sport at that age, my whole team would have lost," he continued. "But, karate is so much more than that. All of us can work on the black belt traits!"

We were sold and registered him that day for a year of classes--which are held three times per week.



Since then, Zachary has stuck with it and, last Tuesday, I was reminded of just why we registered him!

At the beginning of each class, the children are called up to the front of the classroom according to their belt rank and color. Since he just started, my son is called near the end--along with the gaggle of other newbies. When their turn came, they ran as if their lives depended on it.

Zachary grabbed a spot and looked next to him. A girl stared at him broken-hearted. He was standing in the spot she almost always grabbed. She looked so unhappy.

"Oh!" Zachary said, sensing her uncertainty.

"Ladies first," he grinned and stepped into another spot so she could have the one in question.

In the meantime, Sensei witnessed the whole exchanged and gave Zachary a huge high five. I figured it was one of those sweet little moments that would soon be forgotten.

I  was wrong.


At the end of class, as the students faced the front for their closing exercises, Sensei made an announcement.

"I saw something tonight that I have to share with you."

He went on to explain how Zachary, without question, had politely given up his spot for the little girl next to him.

"That is what I am talking about, class," Sensei said. "Respect."

"Let's all give Zachary a huge applause."

I sat there and watched my son absolutely beam as the other students AND parents cheered for him. Then, after class, the older children who were waiting for the later class high-fived and congratulated him.

"My gosh," I remember thinking. "This man GETS it."

He knows what children need. He understands that we, as the generation before, need to find the positive traits that each child possesses. And point the strengths out. And nurture them.

This karate teacher is a true Sensei. He's a true teacher. And, just as I anticipated, an excellent role model.



It brings me back, to a similar but unrelated message that I watched back in the late 90's.

Remember that comedy show, Roseanne? Oh my gosh, I loved that show! It was just so darn funny! Even today, I watch the reruns with my oldest son, Andrew, who thinks John Goodman is one of the most brilliant comedians out there.

Most of those episodes were hilarious. But, not all of them. I remember one in particular that brought tears to my eyes.

Remember when, offscreen, Roseanne split up with Tom Arnold? It seemed like in one swift move she: kicked him out, divorced him, and got pregnant by her limousine driver, Ben.

"Good for her!" I remember chuckling after having heard of Tom's alleged infidelity. "Way to stick it to him."

But, as I was to find out later in the season, there was so much more to this pregnancy than that.

Roseanne (formerly Roseanne Arnold), was well into her 40's when she became pregnant with her 5th child. If she wanted another child at that point, it was a good idea...really. After all, she'd given the first one (who had been born when she was very young) up for adoption. And, she'd struggled with the middle 3. She was an aspiring performer, but that doesn't happen overnight...if at all. I am sure that finances were extraordinarily stressed for years.

But, now, in her forties, she had her own show, plenty of financial security and, hey, if she stuck her tongue out at Tom Arnold while siring a child by another man, why not do it? Surely, the kid wouldn't want for anything.

During what I believe was Season 8 of her series, Roseanne was ordered to bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy with her son, Buck. She was unable to tape a handful of shows, except one particular episode wherein she was sitting.

In it, the character, Roseanne, narrates a video time capsule for her baby-to-be who had been written into the show along with Roseanne's visible pregnancy.

In the video, she talks about all kinds of topics...including current events, historic events, the economy...
But, towards the end the actress gets teary-eyed. You could tell it was Roseanne, the actress and mother-to-be, and not the character, who was about to speak.

She has finally found the recipe for interacting with children, she tells us.

"Every time you turn around, you tell them how wonderful they are, and how beautiful they are, and how priceless they are, and how much they they are loved," Roseanne says while looking at the camera.

She chokes up before delivering her last line and, most assuredly, addressing Buck.

"And you are."


She GETS it, I remembering thinking!!


Kids are a blessing.

As parents. as teachers, as adults of the previous generation, we must remember what we need to do to put our children's feet toward the path toward self-assurance.  Toward confidence. Toward success. We must point out their strengths. We must nurture their strengths. Repeatedly.

Children are told, plenty of times, of how they need to improve, how they need to behave, how they need to do what is right.

But, they also need to be reminded, over and over, about what is already right about them. About what strengths they possess that surely overcome any deficiencies.

If we find these strengths, and strive to use them as the ties that bind their futures together, then these members of our latest generation have a much greater chance of success.


Seek and you shall find.

Cool Women

A few years ago, I was sitting at my desk and, for no reason whatsoever, glanced at a co-worker sitting next to me. She was typing madly, finishing up medical reports that were due on her supervisor's desk. My co-worker was a nurse case manager...and a darn good one, too.

There was a lot to admire about her. Before meeting her husband, she had raised her two girls while simultaneously putting herself through nursing school. She was a weekend ROTC nurse in addition to her duties to her family, which now included her husband, two stepsons, and natural daughters. She was busy and hard-working, and I adored her. I also think I knew a thing or two about her. 

"Hey," I asked.  "I have a question for you."

"What's that," she asked while looking up from her computer.

"Your girls, Alexis and Dominque...were they named after those vixens of Dynasty?"

"OMG!" she exclaimed. "How did you guess?"

"I just knew," I grinned.

"Dominque Devereaux. She was awesome, wasn't she?  I mean, don't mess with her!"

"I know," I agreed. "And Alexis Carrington--she was so cool!"

"Oh, nobody is cooler than Alexis Carrington!"

The whole conversation got me reflecting about how I just loved those 80's!  I mean, I entirely recognize the weaknesses of the decade...the whole "me first" stuff...but still. Those shows, those clothes, that music--what fun! 

Even today, I have 80's on 8 selected as my preferred radio station in my car. My car rides are almost  always embellished by Genesis, Michael Jackson, and Starship gently blaring in the background.

Of course, back then, my guilty pleasures included those half-hour shows--Family Ties, The Facts of Life, and especially The Golden Girls.  But, those nighttime dramas were important for reason.

Aaron Spelling created the acclaimed Dynasty and for a two-season stint, The Colbys. And, in doing so, he really made a statement.

Some of those women he created, Alexis Carrington, Dominique Devereaux, and Sable Colby,  were real women of power. In their own fictional way, they helped set a new trend for women.

It was suddenly "in vogue" for women to be smart, business savvy, and strong. And, these self-pampered ladies, they had something else......they exuded self-confidence! They liked themselves and they didn't accept anyone's opinion to the contrary.

My friend wasn't kidding when she said nobody crossed Dominique's path unscathed. And, Alexis, she really was the epitome of coolness. Glamour, smarts, and assertiveness all wrapped up into one. She was a vicious business woman, and no less feminine for it.  Alexis loved her children as fiercely as any mother. Plus, she has tons of male admirers at her doorstep.

So, it came as no surprise when, mid-way during Dynasty, Spelling created The Colbys and that tough-minded, tigress mother, Sable Colby. 

I mean, wow! Sable was more devious and 10 times scarier than her uber-masculine husband, Jason (played by Charlton Heston).

You see, in his own way, and by way of those nighttime dramas, that money-making genius, Aaron Spelling, did more than just entertain his massive viewers. He subtly changed things for women. Our role models became clever, tough, and forces to be reckoned with. It became cool for women to be just as aggressive as their male counterparts.

And, I bet you, I just bet you, that in honor of those times....my co-worker raised her two girls to be just as cool as women could be.

This Thing Called Life

Earlier this summer, my husband (very unexpectedly) lost his 23-year-old son to a blood-clotting disorder. Although Hugh had been feeling "off" for quite some time and suffered, during the last few months of his life, from colitis and weight loss...nobody expected him to die. Certainly not at that age!

Naturally, the whole situation got me thinking about life and death. What does life mean? Why are we here? Is there a plan mapped out for all of our earthly days? What happens when we die?

I realize that there are many beliefs, faiths, and possible answers to those questions.

So, I'm still thinking. Some people live their lives joyously and for the moment. Others are constantly stressed out--striving to reach each new goal and destination as quickly and efficiently as possible. Still others stress about various indignations and bends in the road while catching fleeting moments of happiness when they can. I, unfortunately, have fallen under the third category.

Fortunately, my family is notorious for its longevity (my maternal grandmother is 90 now, and still going strong). So, I've always assumed that I had forever for all the pieces of my puzzle to fall together and click into place.

But, perhaps not. Life is short--TOO short--as I've just learned from my own personal family tragedy. Even if I am going to live to be 100...why waste another day...no, why waste another MINUTE ignoring opportunities to enjoy this thing called life. Why not set and REALIZE goals that lead to that end?

As I move on, I will do my best to not only enjoy my time here, but to make the best of each opportunity bestowed upon me. I will try my hardest to make the most of this thing called life.